The power of intention

If you put your mind, body and soul into something, you can create anything. Im a firm believer of that mantra. I have been one of those souls whom hasn't always had the best turn out in life, but i feel i made my way by truly believing in myself. 

Yes there are times of dread, when you think its all a waste of time. 

Sadness approaches and even despair slips in, but at the end of the day, things find their way into the right place. 

The days of dread pile upon each other, and the earth just seems to swallow you up, and before you know it, there is no hope and you just want to give up.

There is a glint of hope though, and you know it, and that knowing is what pushes back the dirt and the sky becomes that little bit brighter, and then you push on..  and before you know it... your on top of your goals and ready to fight another day.

It could be something to do with the skies, the stars, fate, destiny, or sometimes even the weather. Your attitude to a situation is always different and constantly changing. 

You wish you could blame all the bad times on someone, or something, and sometimes we do. 

It takes a fine human being to take it all on the chin and listen to those needing to offload. 

It takes a strong individual to love you in every way despite all the rage and self pity you put on yourself. 

The support of a loved one nearby is gold. 

But, when there isn't that person, what do you do? You find times to sit with your sadness, and call out to the spirit inside your heart, the one who makes all  the decisions. 

Sitting with you and compileling the troubles, is a place to start, then imagine that you are a speck of the whole process that makes, creates us in this world, the grain of rice, the drop in the ocean, a spark in this ever endless universe...then see your potential, and how one little you, can have so many sadnesses. 

By dwelling on the fear thats created by sadness there is the flip side, the balance, the harmony of the universe, life... Nature... 

When you begin to see the wholeness of this life you are in, then you see how you created it, and you wonder where it all started, just like how life began, and how earth and all things came to be.

My life is not much different to others, we are all humans living on a spinning globe hurtling through space. 

The way i find best to put things into perspective is to paint, see colour, form, value, light and depth, i also feel so deep that i have to get it out of my head and into words, however meaningless they may seem to be at the time. 

Sometimes in wishes, and other times songs, or poetry. 

I have started the powerful and emotional journey into writing my own book, and for me it is to put things in a way that make sense, it is just a story after all, it is the past and it is what happened, but it doesn't make you..who you are now, in this moment. 

That is all that matters, who you are and how you want to create yourself, and make a better version of yourself. 

Pulling the memories out of my head and heart have been rather emotional, and i find myself crying through the text I'm typing on my computer. 

When i stop and the time is right to begin to cook dinner for my family, i recollect those moments i typed about and it brings me back. 

Snapping the sticks and beginning the fire, on which i will cook my dinner,  i load up sticks with logs, the fire burns fierce and fast, and in the flames i burn away all that past, and realise for years I've wanted to find a way to get them out of my head, its an intimate realisation that every action creates and outcome, once you see it, like that. 

Im excited about writing a book of my life. Ive often confided in friends and told them stories of my past, they remarked with "you know, you should write a book". 

So, here it goes the beginning of something special, for me a massive journey, and I'm ready for it, holding on by the scruff of my neck. 

Ive come to a place in my life where i feel settled, at least more settled than ever before. I feel it is time.

I have a home, a family, two beautiful children, whom i spend every moment with teaching them, crying with them, holding them when they feel the hard times, we laugh, we joke..we go through it... together. 

It brings me back to the time and many times at that, of my youth, when things were not going the way i planned, and i called out to the stars, with tears in my eyes for help, guidance, what is my purpose, why am i here, what have i to learn? 

Or the time when i was a traveller, around the world and on the road in my truck... hearing of people growing their own food, and wanting and wishing that one way i will be able to grow my own food, and sustain myself and a family. Or, the times when i was full of rage and anger at the government for prosecuting me for doing the right thing, for wanting a better world to live in, when i called for help from the system for a crisis loan, and they refused, or refused to house my son and me because i was too intelligent, and that social housing was designed for those who couldn't cope with life, i was not a candidate, even though my small child and i were living in a tent in a cemetery during winter in Cornwall. 

No help, no guidance... it gave me the strength to fight on through and not give up, screaming into the skies for help again and again.. no one could hear me... or did they? Did i hear my greatest desire? 

It took sometime, but all i wished for and hoped for, and trawled on through brought me to this point, and in the moment of now, i see that it was meant to be, all the suffering and pain brought me to this place. 

Peace, happiness and satisfaction for not giving up or giving in.

Now i have the tools, i have to learn how to create more... there is more in me yet, so much creativity and magic, I'm ready to paint my future. Im also ready to fall into the mud, and I'm preparing to loose it all, and win it back again...after all my place on this earth right here right now, is a mother, to my children and in service to them i will devour. So i have learnt my place, and i welcome it with bright eyes. They are and all that made me who i am now, i am grateful to them for showing me it all... In their innocence they don't realise how perfect they have made me, one day they will know, and that is another reason why i want them to have a book that they can read of the mother that made them and created them in this world, that one day when i am gone, the words in the book will offer guidance to those whom haven't got much, or someone to guide them or hope, and maybe it will give people the tools i worked so hard for to learn. One of my greatest fears in life is not death, but to leave my children when they are not ready to part with me, like i felt when my father died, so many questions unanswered. In his passing i have seen him deeper than ever before, in me, I'm lucky enough to know now, he is everywhere and in everything.

  Im equipt with the brushes, and the paints, and my guardian angel is guiding me with the few extra things i need to create the best version of myself.. Thank you every day...